I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Best friends brother. Beat that.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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