life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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