How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
