Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
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You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
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You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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