OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
