So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
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