You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
