I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
