remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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