You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
