I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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