I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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