I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
