I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
When did we convert life to cartoon?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
