Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
That accounts for only three of the penises
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
