Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
