She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
