I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
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