im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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