dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
