Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
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