Is it because I queefed?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
All the doctor said was why
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
