Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
