Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
