The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
