I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
