I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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