I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
