I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
