Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
