I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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