I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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