I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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