As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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