Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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