if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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