I wish I only lived at night.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
