I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
