omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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