I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
