Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
