Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
