Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
