Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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