She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
