no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
