Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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