This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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