Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
