Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
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