OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
babies were throwing up all over the place
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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