I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Randomize
