so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
