I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Success! We fucked roommates!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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