how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
