his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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