Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
