im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
