420 ftw
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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