Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
