Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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